Tag Archive | personal

A Not-So-Blissful Weekend

My husband is OC. It was actually my best friend Lorraine who told me about this word, “obsessive-compulsive.” Wikipedia defines obsessive-compulsive personality disorder or OCPD as a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. Say, add safety to that. Alright, maybe I’m a bit sarcastic about my husband’s overly cleanliness, which is not even for his sake but for the kids, but sometimes it’s so exhausting already. That is why, I have to conclude that he is an OC because what other explanation do I have for the fact that he sees the germs, bacteria or whatsoever on the floor rags, body scrubs, etc, when I can’t. Maybe I just have poor eyesight. And by the way, his vision the last time we checked it (not 2 months ago) was 200-225. Mine’s 20-20. Just telling.

Okay, I take it back. He’s not really OC. He’s just protective of us which explains this obsessive need for cleanliness. I’m just mad I guess because the weekend didn’t end so well for me last night. The weekend started out fine. We took the kids out last Saturday and Demi even coaxed us to have our family photo with some jungle animals at the mall.

The next day, some of my husband’s niece and nephews visited over plus Michelle, my friend from office dropped by the house and spoiled us with some treats from their province. I was anticipating a happy ending and the day was really supposed to be a special one.

We were just about to wrap things up and call it a day when something happened. It was one of those days (and nights) when we both get irritated and annoyed with each other. Sometimes, when something gets out of track and his overly cleanliness standard is not met, he freaks out. And the series of events has like a domino effect on my mood. It’s so exhausting as I’ve said because sometimes I feel like I’m being scrutinized and I can no longer pay attention to the things that matter more to me than being sanitary like safety. In my best attempt to abate the tension, I slept the whole situation over.

It’s not a big deal really, not a special day either. I was just having tantrums, perhaps… Oh yes, before I forget, yesterday was our wedding day anniversary. What a blast, wouldn’t you agree?


Still Keeping My Fingers Crossed

I received two messages since yesterday that is related to the dream I have been working out for years. Ever since the crucial step we made last year, there was nothing to do afterwards except to pray and wait. Now the messages weren’t really the answer to my prayers. More likely, they’re just updates without definite assurance. Somehow, they kindled my hope and prolonged my agony some more at the same time.

An analogy of what I feel right now is like a student waiting for the result of an exam that could either break or make her future. Remembering the hardships we have been through makes me think that the exam was somewhat like the board I took for my profession. Sure, you could be able to answer everything and still beat the time but the correctness of your answers and the passing, you are totally clueless. And now receiving these messages somewhat give me the feeling of being examined all over again. It’s like the feeling after the periodical exams way back when we were just high school. The stresses and sleepless nights reviewing piles of books are over, but the anxiety is there until the results got out.

For now, I can’t say yet that I’m halfway through my dreams. It’s not like a flower that starts as a bud. In my perspective, the dream will just bloom at the right time… or die even before it buds. Maybe that’s what I get for over exercising the accountant’s principle of conservatism. Sometimes, I tend to be pessimistic. But it’s for my best that I have to do this. I am not the strongest person when faced with frustrations. I cry even before the milk’s spilled.

So I’ll just keep on praying, hoping and crossing my fingers. Sooner or later, I might just get the answer.

10 Years of Conviction

Today marks one of the most important dates in my life, my birthday in spirit. 10 years ago, I engaged myself in a life-long conviction, a truth I discovered and believed so profoundly. I can not say that my life had become easy after that, nevertheless, it was more understandable and bearable.

I can still remember that special turn-over in my life. It was a cold day in February. We were among the 2,000 people waiting to embrace this new faith. And what made it most special was that I was with my family. All 4 of us, my parents, my brother and I vowed to accept the truth we so fortunately received.

As I have stated previously, life did not really become easy after that. Moreover, I had to adjust myself to even the slightest things such as dress code and hair. It was worth it anyway. Everything’s worth it when it’s sacrificed for the sake of God, of course. It’s actually so little compared to the things that we unconsciously receive. Troubles kept coming, if not of the same frequency, perhaps even more. But above all these things, I still believe, up to now, that life was brighter afterwards. Things just became clearer and I, personally, could say proudly that this aspect of my life is 100% fulfilled.

True, not everything that I longed for was granted. I had to brave the darkest parts in my life within that span of 10 years. Frustrating as this may have seemed, gradually, I began to accept that if what happened was not my will, then it must be somebody else’s, God’s. Moments that might have been depressingly hopeless always turned out alright in the end. These things made me realize the wonder of God’s will. My conviction that everything works for those who love God is what keeps me hoping.

Yes, for the past 10 years, I may not have been the most fruitful and useful person, nor the most kind and generous of heart. I still struggle up to now. But one thing I can guarantee, the faith I so earnestly believed in, is still intact, very much alive and burning. 10 years is just a start. God willing, I can say these things again, in the next 10 years, and the years after that, for as long as I live.

Moving House

It has been two nights since we have slept on our new rented apartment. There’s so much clutter at the moment and some stuff were still at the old house. One by one, the stuff that once filled the old apartment were being taken away and I can’t help but feel a little sad for leaving. Not that I do not like the new one, of course not. I just remember the time when we first saw the old house. It was small, just like a box. But it was clean and tidy and well-ventilated. What we liked best was the view from our window. Everything was green, plants, trees, it’s as if we were taken some place provincial. It was the perfect place to start living independently and our excited feelings told us so. We just cleaned a little and put puzzle-mats on the floor because back then, Daisy was just starting to walk. And when we finally took the kids to the house, they were so happy for it seemed like a little playroom house.

For more than a year, we built tender memories inside the little playroom house. The kids grew safe and secure. But afterwards, we realized that we needed more space. At this point, I’d like to share how we had lived in the little playroom house. At night during bed time, the whole house becomes a bedroom. We lay the bed mats by the window, and drape the curtain that serves as the divider to us and the house helper. In the morning, the house is transformed into a living and dining room. The beds become the couch and a wall covering (again for Daisy’s protection). And the square table is set right beside the sink and stove. Now the table takes much space in the room so when it’s not used, we set it up to the top of our dresser so the kids could have all the space where they could run about. Everything is moveable and transformed. The only fixtures were the dresser, study table at the same time TV shelf, and refrigerator. It was a modest kind of living, nevertheless, a comfortable one. That was until, we figured out that we needed more space. We all realized that we needed some stuff until the little playroom house became overcrowded.

Looking for the new house was quite a story too. We started scouting in December, when the 13th month pay was given. We did find one, it has 2 rooms and big living room and the rent was just higher by 1k, but the place was not well ventilated. Sacks of yarns and fibers were dumped around the house, which was bad for the kids when inhaled, pointed out by Mom. The next one, I found from the internet. It has the same rent fee, but it has no bedroom although the area was bigger than the little playroom house. It was a newly built apartment and the room we chose was situated on the second floor. The place was very cool, there won’t be any need for air-con, and the kids could play in the garage below. I can feel that Nilo loved the place but I could not share the same feeling with him. For one thing, when I started computing how much cost we’d be spending for the division, I figured out that the rent was not worth it. Moreover, it would add another 20 minutes to my travel time, and consequently, additional travel cost too. So we decided to scout some more. Later on, Nilo found another apartment, which was likewise new. The rent was much higher (plus 2.5k) but we viewed the only available room anyway. It has 2 bedrooms with ceiling high built-in cabinets (although we don’t see the need for these), and the bathroom was a bit more spacious. The kitchen was a little crowded though but we could take a few space from the living room. The community was great, with walking distance school, market, malls and park. Looking for a house was becoming tiresome so I started to convince Nilo that we take it. Nilo didn’t like it I could tell and he keeps pointing out the significant increase in rent which I oppose by saying that my travel cost is the same and we could save the fare going to school, market, malls and park by walking. I guess I was just desperate. But I have to admit, none of these houses gave us the same feeling of excitement like the little playroom house. But then I rationalized that perhaps we’d never get the same feeling again, after all, that was the first time, we were unaware about independent living, and we didn’t have much stuff. Finally, he convinced me by saying that our unknown neighbor, supposed to be Taiwanese who does not come home very often and keeps large boxes with unknown contents, could be a syndicate or something. We decided to think and wait again.

Just when we chose to wait some more and not rush things, out of the blue, my sister-in-law came with a news that an apartment had just been vacated. It wasn’t new though, and I could see that Nilo isn’t so interested but I pushed him to see the place anyway. Afterwards, he came back and asked me to come and see the place myself. And what do you know? We both felt the same excited feeling we did before. It was true after all. Deep inside, I told myself, thank God, the search is over. The house was spacious and the kitchen was somewhat detached which is a good thing. We made a barrier so the kids don’t have access to this part of the house. With a big help from tito Rene, we managed to improve the house by building pretty shelves in the bedroom and kitchen plus another barrier in the front door so the kids can’t get out. It costed us much but it was worth it! And the bathroom was really big! The first night we slept there, we bathe the kids together and they were so delighted to play in the shower. The bedroom was large enough to reserve space as their play area. Likewise, we placed puzzle mats on the floor as well as in the living room. This was our new playroom house. 🙂


Living Room

Living Room


Kitchen (before cleaned up)

Finally, for another 1 and half to 2 years perhaps, we’d make special memories in our new playroom house. And then God willing, another part of the journey unfolds.

Rumblings of a Couch Potato

When I made my resolution to be pro-active, I didn’t know it to be this difficult. But silly me, what did I expect? I was a couch potato all my life and as a result, I don’t have the most healthy body type. I mean, I was restless. I always had a craft project up my sleeve, or new books to read, or something new to learn, but not one activity was sports inclined EVER.

I think one of the tolls was I easily get cold. It’s so unfortunate for me, because our office temperature is usually inhuman (as in not for humans) sometimes I feel as if we were just slices of cold cuts being preserved. Like last week, I got terrible back aches and at first I feared it was scoliosis. One morning before going to work, I felt for my backbones whether they are still straight and in place. I don’t know if it was just my imagination, but my lower backbones where somewhat sloping to the right. I tried to compare mine with my husband’s but it was troublesome to feel for his! I only felt muscles and fats and to hide my discouragement, I taunted him saying “Wala kang spine, jellyfish ka!” (You don’t have spine, you’re a jellyfish!). One might think I’m mean, and I’m sorry, but that’s one of the things my husband has to bear with me and he knew it the minute he married his sassy girl. At least that he knew. I didn’t know he was a jellyfish when I married him.

Back to my rumblings anyway, I also started to notice that I hardly perspire. Actually, I don’t really care, except that my husband kept pointing this out to me. I used to casually respond that I don’t have the fats, that’s why, but then I began to realize that perhaps it was really necessary to “sweat”. Maybe I’m taking “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” too seriously. I mean, it is indeed a good book, but somehow, without even researching about it, I earnestly feel that I must “sweat” too, for this is somehow causing me health problems. I don’t know how in particular but maybe it’s linked with my being cold easily.

So I figured out I need to exercise. Starting now. I need to sweat out those beads of perspiration before my husband even thinks about naming me “kalabaw” (carabao) or “dog” or “bear.”

So another resolution up my list is “exercise.” Easier said (written) than done. Cross my fingers to that!

A New Year’s Resolution: Be Pro-Active

I’ve started my cookbook today. By hook or by crook, I have to do it. This is part of my new year’s resolution to be pro-active (meaning, to be more action and result oriented, nothing more profound hehe) because I’ve always been a procrastinator, thinking of so many things I’d want to do but never quite doing them at once. I’m not really a patronizer of annual resolutions, but this year or at least before 2011 ended, something happened, which more or less triggered this resolution thing. 🙂

Indeed, I managed to squeeze in a few extra-curricular activities over my career and family oriented life:

  1. I have just finished reading Sophie Kinsella’s “Twenties Girl” and am planning to write a reflection about it one of these days. I’ll make it a point that the book left me wishing I had my own Sadie hehe.
  2. I managed to look for apartments for rent with my husband, but to no avail yet.
  3. Finally repaired Demi and Daisy’s oversized yellow blanket. Just cut them into two. I was able to sew the hem on one (and then discovered that it was such a boring task and procrastinated the other hehe).
  4. Made little roses from a scrap red ribbon. 🙂 I’m beginning to delve into crafts making lately and found this task more interesting than hemming stitches so… 🙂
  5. Speaking of crafts, met up with Bes and a new friend, Candy for a potential craft venture.
  6. And of course, the personalized cookbook I mentioned earlier. It’s nothing more than cut up coloured papers at present but it’s a start. I’m determined to finish this project right away, to aid me and hubby in planning our daily menu.

Six. It’s a modest achievement alright, but I personally regard this as an accomplishment already knowing how much of a procrastinator I am. It’s just a matter of allotting time I guess. I can’t always be guilty of robbing my kids time, otherwise, all of us would be getting nowhere far.

And I hope this is for good. I sure wish that I won’t be getting into another case of mañana habit. 🙂 Haha, I’ll be crossing my fingers right now.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow 2011

Since I will no longer be able to access my blog until next year, I’d have to post this farewell to the outcoming year 2 days earlier. This is my 40th post too, so it’s quite a fulfillment on my part as well to post this now than later.

Another year is passing and though it’s cliché, I can’t help saying “how time flies!” I’m a year more older, more mature, stronger and wiser and though the days of 2011 are not of equal contribution to my growth, for most days may have passed unnoticed and forgotten while the other days were more memorable than the rest, I am most thankful to God for giving me each day of the year under his protection, guidance, love and consideration. I know I’ve been considerably disobedient and I’m constantly sorry about that but still, I have witnessed His works in my everyday living.

The highlight of all the marvelous presence of God in my life this year, is the hope given me about a dream I’ve always wanted. Then there’s the turnover in my family’s status in faith, which had been most hurtful for me for most of the year’s part. I know the situation’s still not thoroughly turned about but I’m letting it all rest in God’s hands. Before the year ends, there’s hope given me, again.

Then there were the happy moments with the kids and my husband, the Company outing where I took the kids for the first time, their swimming party, our escapades to the Rainforest Park, and our anniversary celebration. My own adventures with Bes such as the occasional food trips and shopping sprees. My firsts at cooking, body massages, etc. And I could never forget to thank Him for the random acts of kindness I’ve experienced through the people I encounter everyday especially the Sheep, which definitely triggered my inner soft spots, as well as the gifts, both during my birthday and the holidays.

Such a wonderful and fulfilled year 2011 was indeed. Thanks to God for His constant protection over my loved ones, most especially my kids who have grown in love for another year…

My growing babies...

Happy holidays everyone! It might be sweet sorrow to say goodbye to 2011 but with the belief that God will be lending me more days to grow more in love and faith, I’m saying thank you in advance. In everything that I shall be looking forward to in 2012, may Your will be done. 🙂